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wow. [27 Aug 2007|10:16pm]
ook. so i haven't updated in what? nearly a year?
well so much has happened
-me and adam made up only to end things again. i still love him endlessly it seems. i hate just sitting and waiting hoping he'll wake up, but i doubt that will happen, but sometimes i find myself wishing and dreaming because i do love him and wish things were different.
-i work with the government now which i LOVE more than anything in this world. the people are wonderful, the job is great
-i changed my major to Human Resources and am enjoying thus far. i love people, i love talking and it's perfect for me.
-i currently have decided that guys 10 years older than me are wonderful and wayy more mature and this has lead to me having a crush on a guy i currently work with and this could prove to be dangerous.
-all in all God is still amazing of course and i've joined the world in becoming a myspace whore. and perhaps one day when i grow balls i'll delete this journal because all of it proves pointless seeing as how most of it was spent pinning after adam and searching for him and now i've found him and received the worse broken heart in the world.
guys are a pain in the butt.
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and i love you. enough said. [31 Aug 2006|06:49pm]
i've been talking to adam A LOT lately.
next weekend i'll see him for the first time in 3 years.
he told his mom all about me.

we'll see how things go.
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quack [15 Feb 2006|11:44am]
i dunno. this thing is pointless honestly.
i had it at lee to keep in contact with linds over breaks...and peopel from home..but even those people don't write.
perhaps the only reason i keep it alive is for the fact that it has a lot of things in it form the past i dunno eh wahtever the reason here's a new post for no one to comment
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eh [25 Jan 2006|03:16pm]
yea there is some unknown language on my sidebar of my layout...i'm not interesting enough to fill it in...SO..it will remain the way it is..
wahoo for starbucks
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*reminder* [25 Jan 2006|01:14am]
i'm to lazy to do it tonight so this is a reminder for me to go back and fix the links to the new layout...
do it or die.
sleep now
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ew [09 Jan 2006|09:50am]
i really don't feel good today. dunno why...but i feel all barfy. good thing i don't have to go to work today.
i think i'm going to go lay in bed and hope that this passes.
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new orleans [24 Oct 2005|10:53pm]
Thursday morning i woke up and showered. i made sure i once again had everything. i was soo scared i was going to leave something lol. well i had to go to the ATM before going to Keith and Anna's. so i arrived there and i was really the first one there that didn't spend the night. we rolled out of there drive way at 9:39 that morning. we had tons of fun on the way down though. i froze my legs off because the air was pointing directly on me. no one slept the whole way thought because everyone was soo excited. we played Bull Poo...and don't dare ask me to explain it because it's tooo confusing..but Kenneth introduced to this hilarious game. and it was tons of fun. i was Penguin Poo...haha. The whole attitude on the trip surprisingly enough was a good one. no one was in a bad mood which was good. we got to the church we were staying at (Riverside Baptist) around 7ish or so. we found out where we were staying at, ate, and then got told what we were going to be doing taht next day. then we ventured off to shower. which weren't really showers..more like trailers with showers stuck in them. Ashley was my shower buddy...NOT in the same shower you dirty minded people..ha. after all that us girls hugn out in the room and played the gossip game saying stupid movie lines "I see dead people". also. the guys taht stayed in the room before us were strange boys..lol. there were pads everywhere on their beds...haha some other boys were trying to prank them..hah...but got us instead because we were in the room before they got back to remove their things.

Friday morning we woke up around 7.30 got dressed and headed out to eat breakfast. pancakes and bacon. *yum* around 8.30ish we rolled out of the parking lot and headed to the church down in the French Quarter where we would spend out time helping out. It's kinda the really really rough part of New Orleans. We didn't really knwo what to expect. Seeing the destruction caused by Katrina in person is A LOT different than seeing on the news. and seeing it in person will totally break your heart. houses with no roofs, signs down, trees down, BIG billboard signs falling, and we even drove by this Winn Dixie parking lot that had TONS of cars in it that were flooded and caked in mud from the flooding that happened cause of the hurricane. We also drove pass the superdome..and they aren't kidding when they say super..that thing was HUGE...there were people on it doing work on the roof...you couldn't PAY me to work up there...seeing all the destruction will def. make you greatful for what you have because you see so many people that don't have...some people STILL don't have electricity. we got to the church and at first glance you would think that it's just this little hole in the wall...but this church was HUGE...it had all these secret rooms and things that unless someone told you about them..you wouldn't even know they existed. we cleaned that place TOP to BOTTOM. the girls cleaned while the guys tore up carpet. the pastor of the church was an awesome guy. seeing him though broke my heart. he was soo surprised of how quickly things came about and how fast we worked...and how well we worked together. because all the other peopel they had before to come help out there hadn't done anything..they were more of sight seers and didnt do anything but sit..but we worked..and he was surprised and VERY greatful. but it broke my heart because at Bethlehem we are SOO blessed. they don't have to worry about money...OR worry about how many peopel are goign to be there on a sunday...this church we helped out is lucky if htey have 4 peopel in congregation...and the pastor just you can tell he has a huge heart for the church. it's crazy because here this little church is placed in the middle of all this bad stuff..in the bad part of New Orleans and yet you walk in there and you don't even notice...the whole sense of the place is differ you can just feel God in the place and it's amazing. when we first arrived there we came in contact with this drunk guy. we also believe that he was on drugs. he was hitting on Kim and Anna and he even asked Kim if she was going to love him forever...Kim just said 'ok..we'll set the water right here and if you want it you can have it' lol. he ended up leaving only because Jonathan ('butters') asked him if he wanted a granola bar and the guy said sure lets go and walked off in the direction of the bar down the street..we worked all day. and at the end of the day we helped the pastor pick out colors for us to use to paint the next day. it's really humbling when you see people that have nothing and you have so much more than they do. i was completly thrown down off my high horse and my heart torn in two. it just goes to show you that material things are nothing. because like Katrina prvoed...it can be taken away from you in no time. we walked around a little bit on Bourbon (sp?) st. and everything and went to this awesome lookign catholic church and stuff...it was really pretty..but really scary cause there are all these VooDOO stores and everything...we left around 5ish or so and came back and ate dinner showered and things...then we decided to order pizza..and Kenneth being the doll he is..bought for everyone. we acted silly and teased anna about the amount of hot wings she was eating by telling her she was going to be TORE UP the next day lol...then the boys left the room and us girls did what we do best...act completly insane..lol. Amy and Anna had found the toy room and surprised us by dressing up like Roman soldiers and this sparked the little kid in all of us and me and Kim went to the toy room to discover DONKEY AND PIG MASKS it was great...i was a donkey and she was a pig and we went out and had fun in those masks lol. it was great...TONS of fun. then ashley had a great idea while we were being silly and got this diaper and smushed up an oatmel cream pie adn put strawberry jelly on it to make it look like poop and put a sign on it that said "anna's recycled hot wings yum" lol. it was soo funny..so we took pics of that and sent it to keiths phone lol. it was great. then we all calmed down and tried to sleep...only to have elephants walking on our roof. these guys decided that since it was their last night then they would act silly and climb and run around on the roof....anna and kim decided to take matters into their own hands and got on the roman soldier outfits with the pig and donkey masks and went outside to scare them..haha. it was funny. then we all went to sleep..only me, anna, and kim ended up going into the kitchen to sleep because Tammy and Moma Shirley were snoring lol. and we couldn't sleep.

saturday we woke up around 7.30ish again and this time we had to pack up everything cause we were going to drive home that night. we had breakfast once again pancakes and bacon and we headed out back to the church. some of us were going to stay behind and paint while the other half was going to go to this house to help clean up. i stayed back and painted because i really like doing that. well the lady had to take everyone to the hosue before she could take me and anna to get paint so we stayed there at the church and worked on getting things in order to paint. there was this other group there that was SUPPOSED to help us paint. this is the day that my patience was REALLY tested. they sat on their butts while we went to clean and prepare things to paint. well then me and anna went to go get the paint...while we were gone Kim and Butters and Glynn were working on getting things ready to paint..when we returned from getting the paint we learned that while they were getting thigns ready the other group that was supposed to be helping sat on their butts and watched them clean...losers. while we were at the paint store..anna walked right in told them what we were doing, who we were, and wehere we were from and asked if there was a way we could get a discount..the woman didn't even hesitate! she said OF COURSE right away..AMAZING...we got 40% off of EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that in itself was a miracle..because what would've cost nearly $1000 ONLY cost us like $500! and that's amazing because that church we helped wouldn't have been able to afford all that...God is really amazing!!!!!!!!!!! we were shocked and it gave me chills...i nearly cried...we also got free tee shirts lol. well we went back to the place and we started painting. well once again that group sat on their butts and didn't help until the rest of our group came back from that house they were helping out and started helping us...pathetic. made me soo mad..and there was this other girl that was there helping us out..and she was annoying as all get out. i KNOW God was testing my patience that day because i was ready to kill her. and you could tell she was annoying everyone because our once good mood and good environment suddenly was ill and making everyone snap at everyone. me and butters joked around and painted one another..haha. it was fun though. but that girl i'm telling you...she was telling us we didn't know how to paint and called amy and ammature...and all these other rude things..jerk. anyway...me, amy, and ashley i think it was were down stairs later for a water break and there was this knocking on the door. see earlier there was this drunk mexican outside wiht a switch blade and the knocking sounded like metal...well us being the girls we are...we called for Keith and Kenneth to come look because they were down stairs..they being the brave souls they are and wanting to protect us girls went to check it out..it wasn't the scary guy with the switchblade it was actually these two ladies that wanted to give the church grants and money stuff for helping out the community..AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wow. God is soo awesome..this church could really really use this! so that was great. then when we went down stair sfor a team meeting the drunk mexican was back lol. he had walked right in and walked right up to Kenneth who was really scared lol. i didn't see this but we were told not to go in there..but the guy didn't want anything. he just sang with keith while keith played the piano for him..so we went on painting while the guy sang and keith played the piano for him. we got done painting and took showers and waited for the people to come and lock up the church. we piled into the can and left. i got a strong sense of sadness leaving though. i didn't want to. i wanted to stay and help more but i knew i needed to leave. we stopped along the way at KFC to eat..but me, kenneth, butters, kim, and glynn all wen tto Wendy's instead. then we came and ate at KFC where Kenneth proceeded to tell me that he had to take a crap..and the say he was sorry for telling me that lol..all i could do was laugh at him..haha. well he decided just as we were leaving to get back in the van he really needed to go so he grabs his butt and takes off running to the gas station lol...it was a funny funny site. keith stunk up the van on the way home..and we had to stop once for anna to let out the hot wings from the night before..lol...it was really really really foggy. it was funny though because we would all get tired and go to sleep and then all wake up again at the exact same time..joke around only to fall asleep again 15 minutes later.

we finally arrived back to keith and anna's house around 5 in the morning and i came home.

let me just say that i learned a lot during this trip..and go to know people a lot better. these people are really amazing.

there was

Keith and Anna- who though they are married and have children are really close to our age and are just amazing peopel to be around. they have such amazing hearts. and anna is a goof ball...they are awesome people who have amazing hearts after God...which is awesome to see..and they understand us..because they aren't so much older than us..and they are able to relate to us..on OUR level.

Kenneth- who up until this trip..i only knew as Jason's friend. because i know Jason better than Kenneth. but i must say i had fun getting to know him because even though he's a complete nut he has an awesome heart too. his love for God is amazing..and boy can he worship. he's really a great guy. Kangaroo Poo forever.

Glynn- i didn't really get to know him that well...i didn't really know him that well to begin with...BUT he was willing to do whatever needed to be done and did it with NO complaints.

Butters- haha. we picked on each other ALL weekend. it was like having another eric OR alan around haha. we called eachother names...and painted one another...haha and we hated art class together

Amy and Tammy- sisters. people i knew OF but didn't really know. but they too were awesome people. and even tammy made me laugh with her hate of rats.

Kim- haha. my pig. haha. we had a lot of fun. i really enjoyed getting to know her too. because she has an awesome heart too. she's the first person that looked at me when we were in New Orelans and said "this makes you feel really humbled" and said exactly what i was thinking at that time. awesome.

Ashley- someone i didn't really know. i only really knew her because of Britt and Andrewes wedding back in June. we talked but didn't really know one another. but i enjoyed getting to know her too. she's awesome too!

Moma Shirley- haha she was this older lady but MAN..she is a goof ball just like the rest of us..lol. she could cut up with us just like she was 20 too. but she was also a moma. she's was amazing!

all in all i'm certain with all my heart that everyone that went on that trip were exactly the people that God wanted on taht trip..because we all got along really well and there were NO fights..and we all worked well together...i enjoyed getting closer and getting to knwo these peope better WHILE getting to know myself and my GOd better.

this trip changed me..this i'm sure of..and i know that even though it was my first mission trip...it will def. NOT be my last.
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new orleans [24 Oct 2005|01:56pm]
i'm back from new orleans. i should really keep this thing updated more. i promise i'll try.
the trip was amazing. brought me more out of my shell because i was forced.
i can't really write about it cause i have to be at work in an hour and i still haven't showered.
when i return from there though and when i get a bit more time i WILL write about it.
but i did get back at 5.30 sunday morning...slept for 2 hours before i was up to go to church. i had all the intentions of going and taking a nap after church but that didn't happen either...*rawr* so i was up for pretty much over 24 hours.
i finally went to bed last night at 11.30 and slept till 12.30 today lol.
i really caught up on my sleep.
i'll write about my amazing trip later.
ta ta
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man [13 Oct 2005|09:14am]
i really like him.
things are insane.
but he's amazing.
does he like me too?
guess only time will tell.
have i meantioned how amazing he is?
i'm done.
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NOW FRIENDS ONLY! [20 Jan 2005|09:42pm]

Why Friends Only NOW?

Because there were people getting pissed about what i was writting in my diary and i decided to say screw you i'll do friends only and write what i want and then you can't get pissed. if you feel the sudden urge to read my diary then comment and MAYBE i'll add you back. other than that if you are really that interested you can read all the entries that AREN'T friends only that i'm to lazy to make friends only. enjoy.

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mah [17 Jan 2005|04:26pm]
this is MY diary..i will write what I want..
anyway. this diary is going to be soon set to FRIENDS ONLY..so i just have to go back and edit all my entries and wait till my graphic is made..other than that...i think it's all i have to report.
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my new best friend [16 Jan 2005|11:04pm]
so i finally broke down and DL Firefox. i had been thinking about it for sometime and honestly i like it a lot better than Internet Explorer. It's soooo much faster it's unreal and i have YET to see a pop up! YAHOO!
so i'm excited about this and it's my new best friend.
i will be up late tonight because i am having to talk to faith i'm hoping that if i play my cards right i'll be moving out of this room. but all is unknown right now. but hopefully.
anyway i don't really feel that great and i really need to study :'(
by the way how excited am i? i wasn't scheduled this week AT ALL but Bethany is such a sweetie and so is Megan so i took their Monday, Tuesday, and Wens. i NEED the money. i'm hoping to hurry up have Mak paid and get this whole crap taken care of.
anyway i'm waiting for them to call me and tell me that the meeting is done and that i can come up and talk to faith. lauren is going with me she's going to be my support system.
i hung out with blake last night and it was good until jess blurted out how she thought me and him would make a great couple and how we look right together and told blake he should go after me....talk about embarassed! i totally was! blake then procedded to say that it wouldn't work since i'm planning on leaving next year. it's just a cover because i know he doens't like me or see my like that anyway. it was just he fact that jess had the nerve to say it!
and i relized last night that as much as i totally adore blake me and him will never be more than just really good friends. and i'm ok with that because the thought of kissing him last night almost made me sick i wanted to throw up. kinda like i felt with Jt after kissing him *lol* and if we ARE meant for one another it will be FAR down the road because GOd will have to change somethings.
anyway i need to really study this whole weekend since i no longer have curfew i've been staying out later than i should originally be, but it's ok..because it IS the weekend.
after i talk to faith tonight i will call the 'rents tomorrow and confide in them about everything that i've been hiding...but i don't know if you would call it hiding i was just trying to spare them some problems..but last night after praying i relized i can't hide it from them anymore. so that's that..i'll spill it all. and they may be disappointed, they may not. honestly i think they'll be proud of me for NOT giving in to the peer pressure when someone was standing right there in my face with alchool and i didn't give in and drink it when they were pressuring me to..
anyway i really am starting to get a bad headache so i'm going to go and do some reading :-D
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feelin kinda poopy [14 Jan 2005|03:16pm]
[ mood | cold ]

well i woke up at 7.45 for my 9 class but fell back to sleep till 8.30 woke up showered went to class and developed this HORRIBLE headache..oh my gosh it was bad.
it was my migrane that comes about this time EVERY YEAR it's weird.it's like this time of the year hits and my bodies like 'ok time for a migrane'
so i didn't go to any other classes today cause i just felt horribly sick. so i went and sleep until Prissy brought me food at 1 *yummy*
still have failed to see blake. but no worries have no fear that i will soon. i just wish more than anything that me and jt were talking. this time of year kills me not talking to him...cause this is an important time of the year for us both :'(
anyway. i hope that i stay feeling ok since i have to work tonight..*Lord help me*
anyway. i feel refreshed and ok..so lets pray i stay that way ..lol
well i'm out

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here's how i feel [13 Jan 2005|11:05pm]
basically like crap. everyone but me has seen blake. and this sucks really bad.
his phone broke so it's not like he just hasn't called me...he CAN'T call me..but i really want to see him and without having a way to contact him well basically i can't just call him and be like 'hey meet me here' and i havn't ran into him around campus either. and Lee ISN'T that big..so this sucks and i'm really sad because...
well basically.
i've been there and supported him, prayed for him, rooted for him and cheered for him and was there through all the rough stuff that he was going through..and it's not like i want something in return..because i don't..that's just how friendships are..you are there for one another..and i've encouraged him soo much. and well erin hasn't. she just puts him down and i promise you i bet he's with her or hanging out with her and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a bit upset about that.
it's not that i want something in return seriously. it's just that i would like to see him and feel at least a LITTLE appreciated. i don't know perhaps i'm just depressed.
and like i said yesterday..i do get this way this time every year. and i wish JT would freakin talk to me. *stomps around* i miss talking to him soo bad...it's been like 2 months. and i can't do it. it's killing me inside. and he's the ONLY person that understands how i'm feeling this time of year and he's not speaking to me. i hate this time of year and as i speak i'm about to cry.
i just hate feeling like this right now.
i feel like i have no purpose. i mean the other day i was listening to everyone say what they were majoring in and i had to say undecided because i don't know. God hasn't pointed me in any direction and no matter how much i pray and no matter how hard i pray i still get no answer. and i'm beginning to wonder if he's listening. and i know he hears us..but this really sucks.
MAN i miss jason so bad right now that i would give ANYTHING in the world to see him again, hear his voice, to hug him..to just touch him. losing your best friend isn't easy and every year around this time i get all sad and depressed.
i'm sick of trying to be strong..why can't i just break apart? why can't i just break down and cry?
screw all this i'm tired of being strong. so let me be weak.
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another day gone [13 Jan 2005|01:15am]
so another day has ended and tomorrow a brand new day begins. wonderful.
today wasn't so bad at least it went pretty well. tomorrow i have chapel and once class at one and that'll be nothing. i'm happy about it all really.
tonight i was feeling sad..but i really have no reason to but it's all this PMS and stuff..sometimes i hate being female..and it's usually about once a month.
i did some homework tonight..it was just reading so it wasn't to bad. tomorrow will be packed full of moving more things, studying more, and being lazy.
i'm kinda lonely. i get this way every year it's probably just the thought of knowing that next month Jason will have been gone 4 years and the part that kills me most is the one person that i can relate to more than anything about this isn't even speaking to me..not that i really can blame him...i mean after what i said i wouldn't talk to me either..
it sucks knwoign that i may be alone for a while..i have a lot to learn about myself and others..i have to learn to trust someone and i have to be able to give my heart to them..and right now i can't do that. the past holds a lot of pain and i'm workign through it..but it's not easy.
i pray hard that the Lord is coming back soon. i see hard times ahead and i don't want to face them..i'm sick of all this earthly stuff..i'm ready to just go to heaven and live forever.
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[12 Jan 2005|11:05pm]
oh my gosh i'm about to kill someone.
in other news i'm about to go and get food
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wow [12 Jan 2005|07:55pm]
i totally just woke up from a 4-5 hour nap.. :-O
anyway i think i'll like my intro to theology teacher..she seems MUCH better than last semester....
i'm really hungry..
i need to go to the house and get some things but honestly right now i don't feel like it...smallville comes on in an hour..i THINK i may go watch that and be SUPER lazy..
THEN do a little homework and THEN go to the house..man i put things off to much.
anywhoo. i still haven't seen blake i have come to the conclusion i'm no longer going to call him...if he REALLY wanted to see me then he would put out a little effort to..
anyway. since i'm WIDE awake..i'm going to go and be lazy some more..
man i think i'm really going to enjoy this 9-2 thing when i don't have to work..lol
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wow [12 Jan 2005|12:47pm]
i didn't think that i would survive the whole 9-2 thing..but i have and i only have one class left and then i can go back to bed..lol
but it's really not that bad..my schedule is as follows:
9-9:50 Foundations of Western Culture- seems like an alright class i guess i think the guy will be a good man
10-10:50 Understanding Contemporary Politics- i think i will LOVE this class..my old suitemates from last semester are in ther and i'm looking forward to that
11-11:50 Into to Philosophy- i think it will be boring..but i'll survive
12-12:50 International Realations- i think it will be ok..the lady has the voice of a man though..
anyway my last class is starting in 10 so i'm out..
by the way look at my new layout lol
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my heart starts beating triple time [12 Jan 2005|02:10am]
today i bought my books...dang college sure is more expensive than i originally thought it would be..lol.
anyway..classes start tomorrow...straight 9-2 no breaks..BUT i'll come back and sleep afterwards because well..i don't have to work.
anywhoo. today at work i felt VERY uncomfortable..but i dont' want to go into it..but i'm about to head out and go to bed..
tomorrow...class and trying to find a decent layout for my journal..
but as for me right now...sleep.
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in the dorm [10 Jan 2005|10:25pm]
how creative am i?
anyway today wasn't that bad of a day..it was pretty good..all in all i guess. i moved most of my things into the dorm and stuff and got things set up the way that i want them..it's nice really..after not sleeping in a bed for a month i'm excited about acutally sleeping in a real one..lol..
i've spent the evening watching smallville. if lauren hadn't of got it in the mail and lent it to me i would probably be really bored right about now. danielle and mak have decided to use the freedom they have since curfew starts back on monday...BUT i for one don't have it this semester...LETS SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!!
i'm so excited that blake is back this semeseter..it makes me want to just dance...that boy is such an amazing person..can't wait to FINALLY see him...it's been crazy trying to move in and everything.
i'm busy right now trying to fix up my user info and stuff...check it out :-D
but for now i have a huge headache..speaking of headache..i have to work tomorrow...gee doesn't life just really suck sometimes?
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